In this episode, Ramin discusses one of the relationships that most people encounter early on and is a building block for many other relationships. This episode is about the journey with parents.
In this episode, Ramin discusses one of the relationships that most people encounter early on and is a building block for many other relationships. This episode is about the journey with parents.
00:01
I remember having this conversation with Asia and this was very much in the beginning of when she and I met and we were talking about life course and part of that was our parents and I had told her very straight up and flat out. I don't really have a relationship with my dad.
00:22
Now, the thing is, it's not that I didn't love my dad or care about him. But at that point in time, my relationship with my dad, I felt like was non-existent because we had spent so much time apart and I had created this sense of resentment. And again I didn't know the full picture of everything I had gone on But I remember the thing that's set up from that conversation with Assya was You do have a relationship with your dad.
00:56
It's just not the relationship that you want and that has always stayed with me because it's true with our parents. The thing that we have to realize is that it's often one of the shortest relationships that we will experience, but it's the longest impacting one, the shortest one that you'll have but the longest impacting one.
01:26
Now think about that. Really you were there with your parents from? Of course the age of infancy two until at least here in the West 18, 19 years old and then for the most part you'll move on to college and or begun began some other fragment of your life where you start to move away.
01:47
And really, if you think about it up until the age of your preteens and then you get involved with your friends with school, with all these other things. And it's not that your parents go away, but it's just that relationship compared to what it was from the period of infancy up until preteens parents will still be there.
02:09
But you start to become a little bit more independent, but often those relationships with your parents, they last you. The longest and the thing is, You won't fully appreciate your parents until your parents yourself. Now, when I use parents, I know some people don't have kids or not able to have kids or working to have kids, and if that's what is they want, may God bless them with it and give them the opportunity to have that if it's in their best interests.
02:42
So when I say parents look at it interchangeably with parent figures, But with a parent relationships, they're in various stages, parents do a lot, right? Their caregivers. They're they discipline, they providers their friends, their guides their teachers, and then ideal world. You will have a parent that has all of these and so much more.
03:11
But you know what? We don't live in an ideal world, parents are not going to have every single one of these traits or they may be stronger and some traits versus the other ones. And so what that comes down to is Some parents are not the best either. Now you're thinking Romain.
03:32
Whoa, that's a fully loaded statement to make but it's it's true. There are some parents that are great. There are some parents that are not great. There are not the best. It doesn't mean that they're not trying again, the other are some parents that don't try, but some parents won't possess all of these.
03:55
And I guess the way that I can prove, you know, that that aspect is a lot of people feel hurt in. They feel hurt as a result of their relationship with their parents, whether it was for a period of time when there were children or as they got older and they often are seeking love and attention all their life because of what was not received when they were children.
04:25
Now, of course, I'm not an expert psychologist. And this this is not within my area of expertise, but I would say that I've been around enough and especially with some of the line of work that I did, especially when I was doing pro bono work. You, you see enough that you notice this and you have enough life experiences to know the same that often.
04:50
A lot of us are seeking the love and attention that. We either did not receive from a parent and that we were seeking or we're trying to help fill in the gaps and that's why there are a lot of us who are healing. And when you go to therapy and look therapy, we've come a long way from finding help for ourselves.
05:15
I've seen therapists in my past before and I found it very helpful to speak with someone who's trained to be able to give me shifts and perspective. And one of the things that you do talk about in therapy is what was your relationship like with your parents? What was your childhood like?
05:33
And a lot of the areas in which people are trying to grow from to learn from to, to be able to mend themselves from is from their childhood, from their relationship with their parents. And for some of us you know at a certain point we come to the realization that we have to fill in the gaps.
05:58
We have to heal These these wounds these things. This is not about parents and bashing parents or parents not being there, enough for us That same point. It's not about parents, you know, being the best that they can be or parents. That who are great With this episode is about, is the realization that parents are really in a journey of their own, and how that relationship in itself has comma come to us in a way that we look at life, through that perspective of what our parents were, what they are, and what they will be.
06:42
As children, for example, we see them as problem solvers. When something goes wrong, we go to our parents. I remember. And first grade, This is a very early memory in my life. I was in a brand new school here in Virginia. We had just recently come from Afghanistan, and so, a lot of things were relatively new and the reason why I remember this is that there was this one girl who would always pick on me, and what would she pick on me about?
07:12
She would pick on me about multiplication in first, great mind you. And, you know, I remember she'd always pick on me that I didn't know what x times y, was or whatever the case may be. And it got to the point where, you know, I would come home upset and crying.
07:27
And who was the person that I went to? I went to my mom, I told her what was going on? Of course, I went to my older sisters as well, and my older sister's ended up at that point. Being the ones who solved a problem. But I went to my mom first because something was going wrong and I knew that she would have the answer and if nothing else She was going to be the one that was going to help provide me some solace and comfort.
07:51
We go to our parents for comfort. They are our heroes. They don't wear capes but there are heroes early on The transformation that happens. Those as we get older we really see how human they are. How fallible they are that they're not perfect. They're human beings. As kids though, we don't see that and often this realization is continued in our own journey of our own lives.
08:23
Our parents, They start to act as foils. We don't know this when we're earlier on as kids but we do notice it as we perhaps enter into our teens into young adulthood and what I mean by foils is that when we look at our parents, we see things, especially as we get older things that we know we want to implement and then there are things that we don't want to implement that.
08:50
We don't want to repeat in our lives.
08:55
In this itself is a mercy from God for both the child and the parent because if a child sees a certain behavior and sees that's behavior as good. And that behavior, let's say it is good. That child continues. It in some respects, it comes back to the parents, they've taught that child.
09:16
Something that is going to help them On the flip side. The child can also see something that they perceive as not good as bad as a behavior that they don't want to implement that they want to do differently. And so that example, a parent is a model, whether it's a good model or a, not good model, a bad model, if you want to look at it that way, it allows that child to see One example of something that he or she wants to do versus one example that he or she does not want to do.
09:54
Case in point for me is seeing, for example, my parent early on my dad that he was constantly working. And of course, I didn't know the full picture at that point, but I realized I was like, hey, you know, I want to do things a little bit differently in terms of how IMS apparent, Of course.
10:16
As I got older, I found out the full story about what was really going on, especially when you're in between two different countries. One country of it is at war but that realization really came when I became a parent for the parent too. It's a mercy in a blessing because a parent can also see certain behaviors through what the child picks up from that parent and realizes.
10:41
Hey I want to do something that's different and I'll speak more about this, especially in the episode on, on children and our relationship with our children. But parents can also have that same realization that he my child is picking up something that I am doing and I can only see it because that child is in fact now implementing it that I perhaps need to change.
11:08
So in both respects, for both the child and the parent, they do act as foils for each other and depending on the perceptiveness in the realization and the consciousness, in that relationship, both the parent and the child can see certain behaviors that needs to be changed. But the truth is that behaviors won't change in that relationship in that dynamic because the ego is typically involved the ego tells us.
11:39
No, The ego tells us what you're doing as a parent is correct, even though you may be harming that child,
11:50
But the thing about life is that life comes full circle one way or another beginning, our parents are there to take care of us at the end of life. Technically the children are supposed to be there to take care of the parents. I got four kids of my own.
12:08
And one thing that I often asked them is, If I'm brushing my daughter's hair or from doing preparing their launcher with the cases, I'll often joke with them but not really joke because I'm curious what they think at that point. But like so, when I get older, Are you going to do this for me?
12:30
Are you going to take care of me? And it's not meant to guilt trip them but in some respects it's supposed to teach him about the circle of life that happens In my own life. With my own parents. I grew up watching my dad, take care of my grandma especially at that point where she has dementia, where she was not.
12:55
She was feeling through a tube and also take care of my grandfather. My mom did the same thing. No, she would fly out across the US because my parents on the west, my grandparents were on the west coast and she would take care of them. You know, a couple months out of the year.
13:12
Now I grew up with that. I grew up and saw the dedication that my parents have half for my grandparents. The idea that that's what they did, they took care of them, they didn't put them in a nursing home. Now, I understand certain people are gonna make certain decisions because they need certain help or they their lives won't allow it and it's not here to judge but I grew up with that example.
13:36
But I also saw that my dad did it at the detriment of everything else in his life you know constantly around the clock taking care of my grandparents but he has his own story as far as why he did that. But I realized that there needs to be balance And so he served my relationship with my dad seeing that, I saw that balance.
14:04
Whereas with my mom I saw a couple months out of the year she would go out and she would take care of my grandparents and come back and I saw that that balance. So, I took from those, what I ultimately sold as I want to to implement in my own life.
14:25
One thing though, from both of these, especially as I've gotten older and paying more attention to my relationship with my parents, I've realized that, you know, as children, especially if you have siblings, not all of you. Not all of us are going to fulfill these rules directly. So I have two older siblings and I'm the youngest of three and I've realized we each one of us would play different roles.
14:55
You know, whether it's from the role of a caregiver, whether it's the role of of being a support system. Whether it's the role of, you know, just just being there and it's okay, depending on the type of role that you play because not, everyone is going to play that role of, I'm going to be the caregiver direct caregiver for this parent, that's not older, or I'm going to be, you know, taking care of their finances.
15:24
Or I'm going to be taking them to their appointments. We realize or we should realize that as our parents grow in our relationship growth with their parents. We we do play certain roles in each. One of us is meant to play a different role based upon our strengths and our weakness.
15:44
And I think that itself when you do come to that ruralization, it's it's it's a finding of peace. When you accept it, there's peace within it. I know, for the longest time, I've always struggled with the, with the thought and idea, that I'm not always the one there to take my parents to their appointments, to, to be the one that is, is in distance wise close to them, you know, a certain point.
16:13
I had moved a couple of states and that was a journey of itself. It was a journey that I had to take and there was some guilt associated with it because I realized I wasn't distance wise, Therefore my parents but a lot of respects, I was there for my parents in the sense of being an emotional support system.
16:38
Not saying that my sisters or parent sisters weren't but that's what I was. And I think the different rules that we play are based upon what we are meant to do, and our roles do change as well at a certain point. The roles may shift. So for me, for example, at a certain point, I realized that my journey being across state lines was done and it was time for me to come back.
17:02
And now that I'm back here, one of the reasons why I did come back wasn't part due to my parents being much older was being here for them at their age. Our parents are really here to show us that you know And one more shape or another there is someone they're taking care of us.
17:33
God has put in place Parents or parent figures where they are there to to help us and Even when we are older, we know that there is someone that is going to look after us.
00:01
Now, I do realize that there are some of us, maybe there's plenty of people out there listening to this and thinking, you know, what remain, I actually have to take care of myself. I have to be the one that was the caregiver. I was the one that had to do X, Y and Z.
00:18
My parents just couldn't or wouldn't do it for me. And I I say that or I say the things that I have with, with a grain of salt, that all these things are not going to be necessarily applicable to to everyone, but The truth of it is that our parents are there to resemble in the grand design of things.
00:41
Someone that is looking after us. And if it is not our parents ultimately the, the end result of it is that it's God that does look out for us. Our parents are there, as a representation of the, the care that God ultimately has for us. But even that in itself often is a test because her parents may not be the ones that ultimately do it.
01:09
I remember in a conversation with my dad a little bit later on and both of our lives. I guess more recent to when I'm recording this, but he and I were just having conversations and we've had a lot of honest and raw conversations that I've appreciated much more as a parent now, because it gives me a look into the mindset of someone who has done it all and the things that are important for him.
01:35
And again, this goes back to my earlier thing that parents are there for us as a way as a mercy and a blessing because through them and through their experiences, we can learn things at our age right now so that perhaps we don't repeat the same mistakes or that we are wiser.
01:53
But one of the things that my dad had to me was in hindsight despite all of his efforts and despite all of my mom's efforts and the fact that he wasn't here for a lot of my, you know, childhood and also my teenage years or we didn't have the type of relationship where it was more of, you know, guidance or direct guidance that such say he told me he's like Roman, you know, In hindsight, there's a lot of times and a lot of things that happen in your life in which I would have thought or seen that you would have gone us through astray or that, you would have taken a path that you wouldn't have ended up where you are right now.
02:39
Whether it was through how well you've been doing in life, from a dunya standpoint, or from the fact that what you're trying to do with your kids right now or even that from a career perspective, there was a lot of things in hinds that he saw that he would have thought someone in my position.
02:55
I would have done the wrong things, or I would have gotten in trouble that when which I couldn't have come back from. And he said that, you know what it was God, who was watching out for you? And I wholeheartedly believe in that, that God was guiding me that God was trying to get me back on the straight path.
03:16
That God was trying to get me to do the things that, you know, had the circumstances been different, my dad and also my mom in a lot of respects would have guided me. It's not like I hadn't received guidance, but given how I grew up there was a lot of things that I had to do.
03:35
At least I thought on my own but God was right there in the background putting things in place, paving the path, helping me. Get back when I you know took a wrong turn metaphorically speaking And so our parents are there to represent ultimately God's mercy. God's love God's care, God's guidance and in a lot of respects and that is always going to be there throughout our life.
04:08
Even though our relationship with our parents will end at a certain point that that relationship of what it signifies, what our parents are meant to signify. It's always going to be there. Now, my wife's story and it's a story for her to tell of her of her own. She didn't necessarily grow up with a father figure, in that sense.
04:32
And so for her, she's always told me that she's always seen at God playing that role in the sense of being that guidance for her having that spiritual relationship and connection with, with God, in terms of what God would have, you know, ultimately with represents for her and again it's her own story to tell but I always look at that, numbing all I say subhana, log glory be the god in terms of how God played a role in both of our lives to to fill in the gaps where perhaps our parents couldn't
05:13
In our relationships are never linear. I think that's a very common theme with any of these episodes and which I talk about with with about relationships, whether it's our parents, our children are significant others. And even ourselves or relationships are never linear similar. And then parallel circumstance, just like our relationship with God isn't linear either.
05:36
Perhaps one day when we're able to look back at our lives and we're able to connect all the dots and we say, hey, you know, in some respects, all the dots did connect all the crocodiles made sense and it was linear when we look at the grand scheme of things, but our relationships, even with our parents.
05:59
If not leaner, I remember when I was a child, when I was very young, and these are just very, very early memories that I had. But when I was little, and my mom would want, she would have to leave for work. I would cling on to her, as if my life depended on it.
06:21
So she wouldn't go. I remember waiting by the doorway so that I could give her that one. Last hug and your shoes gonna come back, but I would miss her a lot. And when I would see my dad after months of not seeing him, I climb all over him, the way that monkey climbs on a tree and I would breathe them in.
06:44
And I will remember that smell because I knew that he would have to leave again and I did not know when it was going to be the next time that I was going to see him. But the thing is, as I grew up and especially into my teenage years, I've noticed my relationship changed that they had flaws.
07:01
I noticed the insecurities and I ultimately noticed that they were fallible, they were not perfect. I saw the humanness side of them and when I did that, my relationship changed ultimately because I saw these other aspects of who they are and what they represent. As of course, I'm older now.
07:28
And especially as a parent, I have truly learned the value and hard work that they put in raising us and that dynamic changed my relationship once more. Yes, they were not perfect. Yes, they had made mistakes, but the truth of matter was that they ultimately tried. They tried their best to despite the whole world acting against them and at that point I realized they're not superheroes, they're not the superheroes that I once thought they're not the the ones that are able to solve all of my problems.
08:06
But what they represented was the transformation of someone who provide a try to provide some type of care. Some, you know, providing in the sense of sustenance, providing a sense of emotional support, you know, physical support as well, not perfect. But I understand the difficulties that they endured and there was no book for them, just like there's no book for me as a parent.
08:33
Now, in terms of how to parent how to be there for their kids, but they tried the best that they could and similarly, you know, with my relationship with my creator, I ultimately God, not saying that God has children and stuff for a law in that sense. But God in the sense of being a provider, a caregiver for all of us as human beings.
09:01
You know how that relationship ultimately has transformed too. Just like my relationship with my parents has transformed with God. I initially looked at it from this place of fear, You do something wrong. This is what's gonna happen, You do something, right? This is what's gonna happen but really as I've reflected on my relationship with my parents and relationship with myself.
09:26
Even as a parent, I see that there is love and and reverence in terms of what God ultimately represents and also what my parents represent, you know, sometimes as a parent, especially in older generational parent, you look at the sense of let me instill fear into my children, so that they do things, right?
09:48
And, and there is a knees reason, and a need to discipline. And I'm not saying discipline, I'm not saying you beat your kids, but you do as a parent, have to provide the right type of discipline so that they realized yes, there are going to be consequences in life for both the right things and the wrong things that you do.
10:08
But, you know, as children we we grow up and we feel that ultimately, we become the solution makers and problem solvers. And I think for there are a lot of people who are listening to this, who have been the solution makers and problem solvers for our parents, where it should have been the other way around, Where should have been our parents, who are the ones that were solving our problems.
10:32
And I think this is this resonates or will resonate more with immigrant immigrant children. You know, we grew up in an environment where our parents came here. Did not know the language, did not know the culture and we were in school. We were learning the language. We were learning the culture.
10:47
We were ultimately learning things that our parents couldn't. Whereas if we were in our countries, they would have already been steps ahead leaps ahead in terms of solving our problems. But here us immigrant children, we were the ones that had to to solve the problems. We are the ones that to find the solutions.
11:12
And so perhaps earlier on in our relationships with our parents, we learn to be that and we are continuing to do it. And here they were ultimately there for us and while we should have love respect and help. We have to realize that at some point, in our journey, whether it's more teenagers, whether it's winter were in our young adulthood or even, as we've matured in there, have gotten older will be there for them, but we are not going to be their ultimate solution.
11:48
Makers, they're ultimate problems because the fact of the matter is that our parents are going to have a lot of problems that either, they're not going to be able to solve. They're not going to have the tools to be able to solve or there are ultimately going to repeat patterns over and over again.
12:05
And that is going to be their journey. And as children, despite the fact that we want to help them Just like they helped us when we were younger Despite the fact that we want to see them happy that we want to try to show them as a way of saying, thanks ways for them to be happy.
12:25
We're not going to be the ones to do it. We're not going to be the ones that are going to be the key to solving their problems. I think there is humility in that that despite the amount of knowledge that we've gained as we've gotten older the life experiences that we've had.
12:43
Despite the fact that we are our wiser doesn't mean that we're going to have this the answers to our parents problems, especially if the problems are. So ingrained that Perhaps, the only solution is to accept that there are something there and they're just be be kind to our parents to show them love to show them respect.
13:10
And have mercy on them in the sense of they're going to continue to have the problems that they do. And that's just a part of their life story. And I understand that part of this, giving this up, you know, coming to this realization knowing that hey I'm ultimately not going to be able to help my parents with a problem that they're having.
13:33
There's a guilt that comes with it. And I know these decisions are not ultimately as easy because no one is ultimately winning and we want to be able to try to help them because of what they've done for us. But what can we do If possible be present and be there for your parents?
13:55
And that doesn't mean that you are physically near them. Sometimes being a best child means that you're at a distance, you're loving them from a distance and that is okay, too. We should try to take care of them. What we can't, especially in their old age In Islam, which is the religion that I practice, you know, there's a saying of, you know, not not to say, oh, not even say off to them, which basically means if, if nothing else.
14:23
Don't say anything, especially in their old age, respect that relationship for what it is. Because at a certain point, you're also going to be in that exact same position with your children. If you do have children In the truth is regardless of our relationship with our parents, there is going to be some type of regret you know especially when they pass away or especially when they are at that point in their life where perhaps they don't remember things.
14:53
Now I saw this with my own grandmother with the fact that she had dementia, I was seeing it through my dad. She wasn't able to remember things. I saw how tough it was and at least I saw the relationship that my dad had with his parents and even my mom went with, with her parents, they had a relationship, they were very close, but I think there was always going to be some regret.
15:15
I didn't get to know them enough. I didn't get to, you know, fully utilize the time that I had with them and I think that's that's completely normal. There is going to be some type of regret but we do what we can with the time that we have with our with our parents and certainly, you know, there's not always going to be answers.
15:41
And I think that relationship the relationship with your parents is one in which there is not always going to be an answer and even at the end of their lives or own life. Whoever goes first, there's not going to be an answer to the unanswered questions. There's not going to be any solutions to those unanswer questions, But I think our parents are ultimately there on to represent the the care or the invisible hand of God that there is going to be someone there.
16:17
That is going to guide you along the way. Be your parents. Some parental figures if nothing more or no. One else. God is always there to guide you and help you. But I think with that relationship ultimately represents is something that does come full circle for a lot of us, whether you are a parent or a parent figure.
16:42
And again, God only knows who's gonna go first. If they will, or if we will but especially in their old age, we show them a parallel form of mercy, kindness and love that they showed us in our lives. May God, ultimately get grant, all of our parents who are alive long healthy and peaceful lives and have mercy on them, and make it easy on them, if they have passed away and forgive them of their shortcomings.
17:12
Because we all have shortcomings in our lives, especially if they have passed. I think parents ultimately, to me represent away to to see the kindness and mercy of God to see the love of God. And if some of you have been in situations and what you have not seen that from your own parents, perhaps you've seen it from someone who has played a parent role or someone who even has a figment of that role.
17:45
I think ultimately what what it's meant to represent is the care that God has for us and the guidance that he's always going to provide. And that relationship is meant to represent and body that nothing more.