In this episode of UNLAWYERLY, Ramin discusses relationships with our children.
In this episode of UNLAWYERLY, Ramin discusses relationships with our children.
00:01
Once upon a time, I thought I was going to be the best dad in the world handle, everything with grace, perfection have all the answers and then one day as I was watching my son, exhibit, certain behaviors, that looked all too familiar, but which I did not like and I realized what he was doing was he was basically being a mirror for the things about me that I didn't really like These are things that I created.
00:42
In order to survive to thrive things that allowed me to do, well, not all of them were bad things, But we all know, there are certain behaviors that we have certain personality traits that we've picked up that we wish we could do away with. And I realize, at that moment in time how far away I was from that.
01:10
Once upon a time idea of being the best dad in the world, there was just too many competing interests. There's too many other things, taking up my time in order for me to really stop reflect, and perhaps change. And it was my relationship with my children that allowed me to ultimately see that.
01:33
Now, I'm a dad of a four kids and I absolutely enjoy being a father. I've enjoyed being a parent and I can tell you it's not an easy job. It's in my opinion, one of the most difficult jobs that I've had if you want to consider it a job or compared them extent, it's not easy, but it is in my opinion has been something that's been pretty rewarding to Kids for us.
02:04
Are a walking and talking mirror for us in them. We see the good things about ourselves. And we also see the dark parts of us that we try to keep hidden for so long in a way from the public, They will exhibit it and they will show it to us For a lot of you listening to this.
02:28
I don't know if you have kids. Some of you may, some of you don't, Some of you want kids, some of you do not want kids, Some have you been trying? And if it's in your best interest may make God make it easy for you, The focus of this again is on our relationship with our children and ultimately how that molds us for those who are parents are for those of us who are playing parent roles two kids children.
02:57
In my opinion, there are a gift There are blessing. They're also a test that we will be called to account in terms of how we raised our kids. How much time do we give them? How we took care of them? What did we teach them? Now I'm going to say something that some of you, maybe many of you are gonna get offended by it that you're not gonna like it.
03:24
You're gonna think that that's not the day and age that we live in and that's your choice to do that. But in our culture and I'm speaking at least from the western culture, where I've been raised where I grew up, we don't give children as a society of value, that it that children deserves of raising, a family of having kids.
03:52
In fact, most of us are told delay, having kids delay, building a family focus instead on your career focus and set on making money. Focus and set on building wealth empire, fame, social media, everything else. And on the bottom of the list is having children, You'll eventually have kids.
04:19
In fact, we have science that allows you to, to delay having children until much later. And look, I'm not here to say that choices need to be taken away from people. Everybody can make their own choices, but where we have come to as a society, We've reached a point where we don't give enough value to families to raising children to having children, you know, that's why even with parental leave.
04:49
It's finally starting to come more in the limelight. We need. Parental leaves for both, the mom and a dad to be able to stay there with their kids And we're actually behind various countries. Some countries will give you six months to a year off and guarantee that you'll be able to come to your job.
05:10
But not so much in the US having children, raising kids, not really that much of a priority, not much value in it, Do everything else and then have kids and I understand some people. They don't have a choice in that, they are not able to have children early on for whatever reason.
05:34
It may be financially socially economically. They haven't found the right person But for those of us that have then blessed for with children, you know, we do realize the joy and the work that comes with it. There is a great responsibility though, and maintaining that relationship with with kids because look, Our time is truly limited.
06:04
If you've listened to the previous episode on terms of relationship with parents, you'll know that the relationship between a parent in a child is one of the relationships that in the grand scheme of things. It's one of the shortest relationships especially when you look at it from the perspective of children are under the roof of their parents really for a very short period of time, but it's often the longest impacting relationship.
06:34
A lot of things that happen to us. As we get older, we can pinpoint it back to a childhood. A childhood memory, a childhood trauma, a childhood relationship with a parent that either helped or did not help. And I remember this, this one, lecture by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf and what she's talking about children.
07:04
And he talks about the various stages of the relationship between a child and a parent Earlier on from the point of infancy until maybe about, you know, eight nine, or ten years old. It's really a time for the parent and the child to to have fun to to build on that relationship to build a trust to enjoy one another's time.
07:34
And just make it fun, make it enjoyable Then around preteens you know 10 11 12. It's it's a point where it's the fun does not have to stop, but it's more of a time period where the parent and the child are in the phase where it's more about teaching, guiding there's discipline involved.
07:56
Now, I don't mean you go and beat your kids, but I mean, you teach them that there are consequences both, good consequences, and bad consequences, and then after that it's more a period to be a friend to them. Because look, we've all and I imagine most of the audience, listen to the listening to this.
08:19
You're probably in your mid 20s, early 30s, But most of us have gone through being teenagers, a little bit more and what we think, we know it all and we see our parents as antiquated. We see our parents, as not really knowing and I think until we become parents ourselves and we're realize what all is involved.
08:43
We also realize that we perhaps in them though, But anyway, at that point in time, it's more. The parent is a friend to the child continue to guide mentor them but then you have to let your children live their own life. I remember the a conversation with, with my own dad in which he was emphasizing, and he's told me this couple times and he constantly reminds me of the two, which, which is, which are great reminders at the end, they to have.
09:14
He tells me the importance of being there for My children at their age. Now, my children are still young enough that they are at home and they'll listen, unfortunately, they'll listen My son's reaching that point where he's starting to think more for himself, which is, which is great. I'm also trying to his mom as well.
09:40
Give him advice on how we also see things, but he's reaching that point where he's questioning things and he's wanting to do things on his own. And look at the end of the day, I would rather have a child that grows up and thinks for him or herself questions things and make sure that it's important for what he is doing.
10:03
Not necessarily always just following X, Y and Z following what his parents sold and following, what's society tells them? I'd rather he think for himself But my dad, always stresses the idea and the importance of think with the perspective of what you're doing in your life so that you're there for your kids, You're there for your children and it's very interesting because at this age my dad's a lot older he's approaching the end of his life and may God, give him a long, happy healthy remaining years of his life.
10:43
But it's interesting because I look at a guy, a man who has truly lived. A full spectrum, he had an international business, He had the money, he traveled, he traveled very well. He had lots of adventures intentionally and unintentionally some were out of his control and add all the things at the end at the remaining years of his life that he tells me is make time for your children And I think a part of it is is the regret.
11:16
And he's told me this regret that he has that he was not able to be there for us when we were younger. A lot of it was out of his control, but he seems to think that, you know, he could have controlled and I don't think so knowing his story, but it just takes me back to just stop and reflect where I'm at my life.
11:39
I'm at the prime of where my career is, or would have been and I've changed my life trajectory, but how I've changed things because I do agree. I think children are our biggest investment that relationship itself is worth more than any career, any any amount of money anything. Because later on when we reflect back and we think back at the younger years, when we were able to form that relationship of Winstead we we put more time into competing interests.
12:14
I think we're going to have that realization of what was truly important. What was more important but he always stresses the notion idea of being God-conscious and part of that God consciousness is in terms of your relationship with your kids, make time for them and be there for them Now.
12:34
Children. They really are our teachers. We think that we're teaching them but they're really teaching us, they will quickly show you what is success and what is not And by that, I mean that they will be the mirrors of who you are and you'll see it immediately. You'll see a lot of your own traits.
13:01
A lot of your spouse's straights, A lot of traits from people within your family but they will give you a parameter very quickly. Are you succeeding in that relationship? Or are you not? Kids will also show you the beauty and simplicity. They don't need a lot to define joy, They find joy in the simple things in life.
13:24
And those those are are really good reminders, But but children and being our teachers They're not going to continue to write our stories. They're going to be writing their own So we can't look at them in terms of. Well I'm going to invest in this relationship because it's going to be a continuation of my story and I'm going to help mold them into what I wanted to become.
13:53
No, they're going to do their own thing and that is part of the test. They're probably gonna do stuff that you would think is absolutely crazy or you wouldn't think to do it yourself but they're not there to continue our stories. They're there to learn from us and right their own.
14:17
And so we as parents, we will be guides for them, we will be mentors for them, but a certain point, we're going to realize that the pen has always been in their hands.
14:32
During that course, though, where we are either forming the relationship building the trust, or we've already built this trust, and we were watching our kids grow. It's a test for our relationship with our significant other. So here we have another relationship that's being pulled in when we are talking about relationship with our kids, That is the relationship with our significant others.
14:59
Because Fact of the matter is that both you and your spouse or significant bigger significant other, You have two different learning styles, two different teaching styles. It has to do with how you were raised. How did your parents, teach you? What background did you come from? And I'm not saying that one is better than other or there is a right way, there isn't.
15:22
But what I'm saying is that there was a spectrum in terms of what you bring in to a relationship and especially when children come in and so take, for example, me and my wife when we initially got married and we were living together, We realized that there were a lot of differences, You know, the background that I came from in terms of how I raise it was raised was very structured, very method article.
16:01
You know, my families, my mother's side. At least her families are maiden name is has to do with, you know, family with of soldiers. And I realized that things were very step. One step two, step three, step four, step five. And that's what I grew up with and that's what I was trained to do to see things to break things up.
16:25
My wife on the other hand, this is just me giving it through my own perspective With her background. It was much more. Go with the flow. There was it was less rigid Perhaps less planned out and again this is not putting any type of judgment or coloring it in a certain way because it's her own story to tell.
16:49
But the point is that we came in on a spectrum in terms of where we were with how we lived. And then when we had our son, we had to be able to find ways to compromise, to be able to raise him. Because, you know, she would want to do one way.
17:09
I would want to do it another way and I've seen plenty of times how this puts a strain on relationships. I've seen in my own life. I've seen it in the life of family and friends but it requires you and your spouse and we have another episode on significant others to be able to work together to be able to raise these kits together.
17:39
Now, I had mentioned that with children, you know, we can't live vicariously through them. And I have to remind myself so much about this because, you know, we can, we can enjoy them and do things with them and often a lot of especially children of immigrants and others too.
18:01
But I'm just speaking from my own experience, We will provide and do things for our kids that we wish we're done for us. But because of limited resources because of extenuating circumstances, there wasn't. And so we do them, of course, because we want our children to experience the joy, the excitement from, you know, taking them to places or buying them, things doing things with them.
18:28
But we also want to live vicariously through our children because we didn't have that experience. Now sometimes when doing certain things, and I tell my kids look, you got to be grateful. I I didn't have this when I was a kid and my kids will just stare at me blankly and be like, okay that we get it, we get it, you don't have this, you didn't do this.
18:55
And yes, we're being grateful, we're being thankful. And of course, I'm like well then show it, but I think that there is there's something in that that it's a blessing that our kids are able to have or to do, or to be able to go places that perhaps we weren't able to but we can't live vicariously through them and expect them to act a certain way.
19:20
Now, gratitude being gratefulness. There's various ways many ways to instill and I think it's good to have these reminders when we're doing things to tell them, you know, be grateful for this. This is not a right? It's a privilege to be able to for us to be able to travel as much as we do Or for us to be able to just go into a store and get you X items or even the fact of time.
19:44
You know, the fact that we are dedicating so much time into this relationship and I think that's that's one of the main reasons that, you know, I personally changed my life trajectory from my career of being a big lawyer to taking that time and instead of reinvesting it on in my children.
20:08
Now for those of you followed my search for series, I retired at 36 from Big Law because I felt like so much of my life was dedicated to work. And look, there's only so many hours in a day. When you have a demanding job it's going to today can pull from you that I wasn't truly being present at home and I did not like that.
20:28
But I made that change because I know when I was growing up, my dad had to be two different places. My mom was working and I didn't have that time with them and I wanted to do something different with my own children and I do hope and pray that like children do find value and they come to the realization.
20:47
That hey, dad made a big change in his life, especially when he was at the height in peak of his career. But I can't hold that against them either. I can't hold that over their heads. That was a choice, I made. Because I wanted to be present, I want it to be there for them.
21:04
I want to have those experiences. I wanted a more balanced life.
21:12
And trust, my kids are getting older and this relationship is, is developing to, you know, a more mature stats. I already see with my son, I can't have them live under my shadow. I can't have them. Make the choices that I have. I have to let them see what I'm doing by example but they will ultimately have to make the choice of what they're doing and I know subconsciously things slip.
21:45
Like I'll tell my kids are especially, you know, my son because he's at that point, Look, when I was your age, I would make sure for example that I was having having conversation with them this morning because he had an exam or a quiz today and yesterday we were working on math but I didn't see him studying for for this I told him I was like you have to take ownership when I was your age.
22:06
Nobody told me when the study, what the study, how to allocate my time? I did all of that. Of course, at the end of it, I felt bad because I'm like, well, you can't compare yourself to him. He's going to be his own person. He's going to learn responsibility.
22:23
He is responsible but you can't say well what this is, the how I would how I did it. So subconsciously, it does slip and we are human beings.
22:37
But as parents, you will reach a point where you will just be a spectator. You'll reach a point where, you know, you try to keep your children as safe as possible, whether it's from getting physically heard emotionally hurt, socially hurt. But as they grow up, they will become more independent.
22:57
And that's that's a great blessing in itself And so that relationship is going to transform where you feel like you're more of a spectator where you feel like you're not really as much into their day-to-day life as compared to when they were kids because like when their children you got to take in places, you know you set get prepared their meals for the most part.
23:21
You, you know, do all these things. And one of the things that my wife and I do with our kids is from a very early age, and sometimes when my mom's home, she's like, oh, your kids do that. She kind of chuckles. Like, I have my kids, put their clothes in the laundry.
23:36
And I've done that from a very early age to, at least a put your closing, the laundry. And we'll do it together or take them out. Or put the dishes away or put your food over there. And what we're ultimately trying to do is teach them the value of work, teach them the value of being independent because we know at a certain point they're going to be doing their own thing.
24:04
And I think that that's part of successful parenting is when your children are independent.
24:14
The other thing, you know, we have to be mindful of is you know, children are not a punching bag for us. Often will come home with a lot of stresses from the day. Stresses from it. Work school. Our friendships are our spouses and children of unfortunately are the ones that they get the front of it.
24:45
You know, they may do something and it annoys us and upsets us. But truly, we're upside about something else. And we have to understand that they're not our punching bags. Look, I'm not saying anybody's going to become a perfect parent. I don't I'm not a perfect parent. I don't think you fully master bearing a parent but you get better at it over time and you have to be present in aware of what you need to change to become a better parent.
25:15
But I don't think you can ever be a perfect parent. In terms of how children parallel the relationship with God, I think kids are meant to teach us that the love that God has for us, you know, as parents of children, we are responsible for. As I mentioned, safety security, emotional physical support and we love our children.
25:47
I think it's same respect it. It's a representation of God's love for us Now. God, of course, has no children. But we are His creation and from from my own practice of Islam. What I know is that God loves us more than a mom who is trying to free her child from a raging fire or getting them safety.
26:13
And I've learned that love as I've had much children, and I'm raising them, the amount of care and investment. And I was going to say sacrifice, but it's not a sacrifice, it's an investment in them. And we do a lot of things as parents for our kids in the background things that they don't see and it's okay that they don't seem, We're happy to do it But I think in same respect, God does the same stuff for us?
26:45
There are things that we see that God will do for us. But there's so much more in the background that we don't come to that realization. We don't realize that it wasn't our doing, but it was through God's love and mercy for us.
27:05
Ultimately what I've realized in terms of my relationship with my children. The thing that I want to try to master more so than anything else whenever we as human beings we mess up. Do we do something wrong. As long as we're sincere, we ask for repentance. And we try our very best not to do it again.
27:31
God is going to be compassionate and merciful with us. And he said that numerous times I think in the same token, we need to exhibit that in our relationship, with our children, being compassionate being merciful. I think all those things are extremely important for us to show with our kids.
27:57
And at the end of the day, I think that, you know, we don't need to be perfect children, but we don't need to be perfect parents. Excuse me. We just need to show up and be there for our kids and just be parents.