In this UNLAWYERLY episode, Ramin discusses the relationships with significant others and how our previous relationships shape us and teach us to navigate life with our ultimate life partner.
In this UNLAWYERLY episode, Ramin discusses the relationships with significant others and how our previous relationships shape us and teach us to navigate life with our ultimate life partner.
00:01
So much of the fabric of our society is centered around companionship. Now There are people who like it companionship to be ephemeral short-lived. We'll call these the, the tender tenders of the world. And then there's other ones that like long-term. There are some people who will wait to find companionship and others who won't myself.
00:30
I'm at my wife when I was 24 years old and within a four-month period, I proposed to her four months. Now trust me a lot of people thought that I was foolish being crazy. That it was a haphazard decision but it wasn't four months was enough time that I needed and at the point in time of my life to be able to decide as a someone I could marry or not.
01:03
Now let me kind of preface things When I'm talking about relationship as a pertaining to significant others and spouses. I'm giving you all the perspective. The cultural perspective in my views which originates and comes from the West, that's where I was raised. That's where I grew up but I'm also Muslim.
01:27
So I'm going to incorporate those things but as you're listening to part one and part two of this, some of you who have a background either culturally or from a religious standpoint you may be thinking. Well this is a little bit different than what I would have anticipated but I will say this that ultimately this is going to be my story, the decisions I made and where it took me to get me to the point where I ultimately decided I want to marry this person.
02:09
Now, First off, it's important to talk about the other relationships that we see because relationships really are building blocks of another. They get from one point to another and that's why the series. When a focus is on relationships, we've started with the relationship of our parents because the relationship of our parents helps to shape and form how we look at these other relationships.
02:37
You know, we see them on a daily basis. How they interacted, how perhaps their marriage was their love, or even the dislike and how it transformed over time. Personally, I've used my parents relationships with each other in terms of things, I like and things. I didn't like There are many faces of their marriage.
03:00
I said I'm not going to repeat in my own. There are other aspects of it that I said, you know what, I want to go ahead and implement those as well.
03:11
With my own parents, you know, and everybody has their own story, Everybody has their own journey. There are a lot of hard choices that had to be made and, you know, my parents personally, I think a lot of parents from that generation, they locked a lot of the tools that we have now, to be able to, to work through things.
03:32
And so ultimately I realize that their relationship and and perhaps my relationship with my wife is to set an example, either a positive example or perhaps not a positive example for for us as their children. And for even from my own kids to be able to learn from, you know, we need these paradigms.
03:54
We need these examples to be able to, to follow. That's why in my own religion. It always says, the paradigm of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon them. As he was the, the perfect example or the most perfect, in the sense of human being, He's the best example I should say for us to follow.
04:13
But I think in all these other relationships, God places them. So that we have something to learn from if nothing more. So, we have our parents as one example that sets kind of expectations for our relationships. Then we have other examples. You know, we have relationships that we see from things on media TV, movies, social media, and these also shape, our expectations of relationships and I'll say this, A lot of these will shape our expectations in a very unrealistic manner their stories.
04:51
Their things that for the most part are fabricated, and/or, their things that have been put in place that don't necessarily give you the full picture because the, the reality of it is often taken away. So those, in my opinion, aren't really the best examples, but they're there. And, of course, you have the cultural and the religious examples perspectives, that are given Finally, you have actual relationships.
05:22
These are relationships that we apply from those that we've been involved in relationships with other people. And I think a lot of these relationships help us to really figure out what we like and what we don't like and regardless of the social cultural religious, you know, I feel personally and especially looking in retrospect that it's important to have some experience.
05:48
In other words, experience, if nothing more than just mere socialization with somebody that could be a significant other is important, then making your marriage, be the starting point of figuring out, I like this or I don't like that. I do understand. There are people who have arranged marriages in certain cultures or people that are set up through family.
06:11
And perhaps not arranged in that sense And I think those are great too because it provides you an opportunity to to meet someone. But again, I wholeheartedly believe that your marriage should not be the starting point for when you really figure out. I like this, right? Don't like that and someone this is what I want.
06:29
This is not what I want or even how do you interact with someone? I think it's important to have those experiences early on. As I mentioned at the forefront, I know I do have a decent Muslim base of people who listen to this. And, and I understand that the majority don't necessarily agree with pre-marital relationships or, perhaps, see this as Haram And I'm not necessarily here to go into, what's halal, what's haram?
06:56
But what I am here to tell you is this is, this is again, my story, my journey and I'm glad that I had it, because I was able to, to learn so much from it. Now is my example, an example to follow not necessarily is the way I did things.
07:16
The way that everybody needs to do it, of course not. This was just just my journey and when I'm going into this, you know, I wanted to provide a way to talk about experiences and in my own journey, of course, but relationships, because one of the things, I, I most often am asked about, is my relationship with my wife.
07:41
How did I meet her? You know, how do we know that this was a person? I, I wanted to, to spend my life with now. I don't think that this episode or these next two episodes is gonna fully answer. Everybody's question But perhaps it will give you an idea as far as what I personally went through to get to the next point but there are a lot of universal elements and truths I believe and commonalities that a lot of people as human beings mere human beings will relate to.
08:16
So kind of going back into it For me. It was because of these other relationships that I had that I really realized at the age of 24 that I was ready to move my life trajectory into a lifestyle that that made more sense with my own faith, you know with with my own value system, I was struggling with it for for quite a while and so many when they ask or will ask how did you find your spouse?
08:48
And I'll say this, you know, there was a combination of elements of pain. Trust self-realization about what I wanted neck. Includes raw honesty and ultimately divine intervention, I think that would last one was was huge. Your God will present someone good or someone ideal. But a lot of us, many of us because of fear fear, you won't move forward or when you do move forward as the relationship progresses you or your spouse or your significant others not willing to transform within the relationship.
09:32
Now, I'll say this, I believe everybody has a pair and my wife and I we were actually talking about, you know, this concept of soulmates and can you have multiple soulmates or multiple pairs and it was interesting our perspectives on this, you know you learn something new about your your spouse every single day.
09:53
But I do believe that we do have pairs. And I'm not saying she didn't say this but we, you know, ultimately do believe that there are pairs but here's the thing. Your pair is not going to be perfect and I said that again, The person that you meet is not going to be perfect because you want to know why?
10:16
You're not going to be perfect. You are not perfect. What that other person is supposed to do is that other person is to help you, Ultimately become the better or best version of yourself and that happens over a period of time. That is ultimately what that relationship is meant to do is it's meant to help you become the best or better version of yourself because that other person that other half is what is ultimately going to keep you balanced and provide that balance for you?
10:53
You know, my wife and I when we met each other and ultimately, of course, when we were married and living together, we really were on opposite. Ends of the spectrum. We were on opposite ends of the spectrumner that's perhaps that that opposite nest side of it, that I ultimately was attracted to her.
11:13
There's a whole bunch of other things, not going to that But my wife and I were an opposite ends of the spectrum. And so when we married and especially the first year or two, there were transformative years because, you know, rubber meets the road, you're living with that person, you're in the same household and it requires a lot of compromises, that requires a lot of hey, let's figure ways to meet and middle.
11:36
Now, I think in the years that we've been married, now, we do meet more in the middle. Now, do we have healthy arguments? Of course, we do. We do, you know, and I'm gonna go tangent, one of my, One of my friends had brought up how he, when he has kids doesn't want his kids to see arguments between him and his his wife because of things that he saw when he was growing up.
12:05
And what I told them is like, I do want my kids to see me and my wife have healthy disagreements because I want them to be able to see that. These things are common even when you're married, but there is a way to approach it. That we don't know.
12:20
We don't do it in the perfect manner, but we have respect for each other. We can have respectful, disagreements. But I wanted to see that because you're gonna, you're bound to have disagreements arguments with your significant other and that's part of a healthy relationship. That's that's part of a bigger for to grow.
12:41
Now is it abusive? No am I condoning verbal abuse? Of course not but we're bound to have these types of disagreements when we're married. I remember in law school, there was a case where this was family law, where a husband and wife and this was dating many, many years back, They were going to get a divorce and they had been married for 50 60 years and all in a lot of things happened.
13:13
You know, the husbands of the wife that this, the wife said that the husband that that and ultimately the judge said like this was expected and in marriage and he ultimately declined or denied the divorce. And again, this is dating many years back, but that stayed with me because these people who have been married for such a long period of time, the judge was ultimately saying you build up a period of tolerance, but again, I'm not condoning.
13:38
Any type of views, physical, or verbal. I'm not condoning any type of disrespect between marriages, but I think it's important for kids to see that. And then the time that ASEA and I have been married, we have learned to have these conversations and we always have to make sure our egos are in check.
13:57
Because the moment we see, there are voices, are being raised or that really it's our pride and ego taking into effect. You got to step aside but compromises important because your relationship is not going to be a perfect one of the other person. Just like you are not going to be perfect.
14:16
But we you too, that when you meet, that person are ultimately going to be the ones that are going to get into your best version. But let me kind of go into this first episode. Our first part of significant others, I want to talk a little bit about my own self-realization, that occurred in my own relationships and in specifically, it's the relationship that I had right before I met my wife that I really grew a lot from and I'll give you kind of a foreshadowing at the end of it.
14:46
It was a very harmful and toxic relationship. One thing I'll say in retrospect, I've learned is one of the beautiful things looking back. Most of my relationships were those who the person was in a household where their parents were divorced among other things. And I saw a common theme in that When I ultimately, you know, met my wife and Mary, she was in a household where her mom was divorced, and I think for that it helped teach me so much about interacting with someone who is in that type of household.
15:26
And so, I knew, you know, the things that came with it rather than not being able to relate relate to it. And I think, again, a lot of that was part of divine intervention, that allowed me to, to learn, to be able to navigate, you know, those types of relationships.
15:45
But my most recent one before I've met my wife, you know, with someone that I was involved with in college and and things as most relationships, are they're fine and good until it isn't anymore. And part of it, for me at least, was the struggle that I have within myself about about faith because the other person was not Muslim, she was Christian and ultimately what it came down to is, it would have really been an uphill battle with with marriage and especially with children, especially with children.
16:20
Now, I'll say this, Muslims are allowed to marry non-muslims. You know, people of the book Jews Christians and you can't force conversion apart them or reversion as say you can't. If they choose to follow their own faith, you marry that person. And That's what they do until they want to, to ultimately convert or revert.
16:44
Because there's no compulsion in religion, You can't force someone to have faith in their hearts about a specific way, But we are allowed to marry people of the book now with women Muslim women who marry, you know, someone who's Jewish or Christian, you know I think there's a lot of the same difficulties that are involved but but you are ultimately allowed to marry.
17:08
Someone who is considered people of the book but there's a lot that goes into it. But for us, you know, ultimately The relationship turned very bad at the end and it was because it was it was it was not really meshing in ultimately to get to that next point of marriage because there's a lot of things that I was struggling with and especially with with kids and how they would be raised.
17:32
Now, I know there will be people who are of mixed relationships are mixed fades and they'll tell you that it works but I'm gonna tell you my own perspective, it didn't work for me and I think and I praise praise be to God. That I didn't because I know ultimately if we had married, it would have ended up in divorce in a very short period of time.
17:54
Guaranteed, There was all the signs that were there, But when this relationship turned bad, it turned toxic at the end. It was because the relationship was not one that I was meant to be in. I was holding on to it Even though was no longer meant for me. My place was no longer there and so at the end of it it was because I was holding onto this thing so tightly or trying to that.
18:27
You know, I was filled with so much pain and anger and frustration because ultimately it became the fear of the unknown, the fear of well what is going to come? You know, and I'll tell you this, the reason why I know ultimately that this this relationship was not meant for me, one time, I drove back to to college that I had gone to.
18:47
And we were technically gonna, we'll on a break and I laugh at breaks because a break is reminds me of this episode of Seinfeld where they're talking about, you know, ending a relationship and ending a relationship. You have to it's like tipping over a vending machine and you can't get it on the one push, it's difficult.
19:03
So you got it swayed back and forth until finally tips over and it crashes, but it will. But while I was driving one night back to to UVA where I went to school and we were on a break and I, I see, you know, I see her walking hand in hand with my best friend and I laugh about it now because they ultimately married, He was supposed to be the one for her, but I was holding on to his place, but it wasn't mine to hold.
19:38
And so, what I want to get to is is this whole idea that there's going to be plenty of signs for us? Plenty of signs that someone is or is not meant to be for us and, you know, deep down inside, we all know, but in that particular case, I was holding on to something that wasn't meant for me and God swept, the rug under me and I am, I humble law.
20:03
Praise be to God that, he, he swept a drug under me. He forced my hand because I was just too scared to do it. And I see that as a mercy. I see that as a blessing, but it was because a lot of the fear of what was to come because I did not know because everything in my life, I felt like I had to control.
20:24
I had to be able to have a plan and execute that plan that I just could not like oh, wasn't that. That person was for me. I knew deep that inside that she wasn't, I knew that he downside. The longer I was in that relationship especially toward the end.
20:38
The more that I was going to to harm me especially mentally but I was just scared. I was afraid Now. I felt that was my mission. My objective to stay with that person, even though I really was not happy, She was not happy. You know, then I got to a point where I just I didn't want to do anything.
21:03
I don't want to go to work, I don't want to see friends. I just wanted to stay in my room until I ultimately realized this was an opportunity for me to help myself. And so this was the first time actually got a therapist. Now, first time I decided I, I needed to help myself
21:27
And you know it was a it was a difficult time period. But of course most of our difficult time periods are the periods where it's filled with a lot of growth and we just have to stick it out. We have to have faith that it's going to work out and, you know, in my therapy sessions it reaffirmed.
21:47
A lot of the things I knew. This person wasn't my person. This person wasn't going to keep me healthy and I had to continue to work on myself and for once in a long time I realized I wasn't in control. I was in the passenger seat and it was okay.
22:09
Because God ultimately was in the driver's seat. And I just needed to to have that faith and really was through God's intervention. That I think both of us were, were saved from that relationship. So I want to say this. Some relationships are not worth saving, they're not worth saving.
22:31
You need to let it go. Take from it. What you did learn from it, what you have, and move on. And so some hard lessons I learned from from that period of time was the importance of being honest with myself regarding what was important? Faith was always something that was important for me.
22:53
And as I was getting to that point where I'm thinking about marriage, I'm thinking about, you know, who I want to be with. I realize that I needed someone of the same faith. I needed someone who, you know, was in line with with that ideology. That was one big aspect of it.
23:14
And I realize that I couldn't continue to make excuses because something felt comfortable or something, felt easy. Because I already invested time into it, you know, making it work with someone, which ultimately, there is no future and a lot of us are in those relationships. We know that there's no future but because it's comfortable, it's convenient, we decide to, to stick it out and no matter how much time is invested, if something is not healthy, if something is not, if it's not an environment with, we're both people are trying to work to make it ultimately, reach that next level.
23:57
You got to move on, move on to that next part of your journey.
24:04
You know, I also realized that things I could have done things more gracefully, especially at the end, you know, in terms of who was making me become was a person. I didn't like, you know, the dark side of sides of me was coming and from that, I realized that, you know, when time, especially moving on to my next journey, which ultimately ended up in marriage.
24:27
I needed to go with grace when it came to my interactions with that other person, when things were not going well. And even at the other person was not, you know, reciprocating, I had to realize that it was within my choice in terms of how I reacted, you know how I responded.
24:52
And I think that has stayed with me. Especially in marriage Again. No perfection in my marriage. But what I go down to is I don't Try to let my ego get in the way of things especially when there are differences between me and my wife. And I took that from my last relationship, especially because I realized the importance of doing things with grace, And signs, there's a lot of signs before us.
25:23
I know a lot of you who are asking, well, how do I know if someone is for me? You know, how do I ultimately find someone? I think there are plenty of signs and the people that are the person that you're meant to be with, has probably come across in your life.
25:40
But, for reasons, within yourself things that you ultimately have to improve within you, You have decided to find fault with this other person. Without realizing that ultimately, there's nothing perfect about us, But God gives us plenty of signs if someone is meant to be and so or not meant to be, you know, me.
26:05
I kept closing my eyes on those signs especially in that relationship, especially at the end. But you know, like I said I pray to God that he gave me that difficult time period. I always prayed for ease but I pray for you know ultimately being able to find my person.
26:27
I know a lot of people when they're in that situation and I could have done the same, I could have said that, you know, God was being vengeful that he was not being merciful, but he wasn't. I think he did it out of his mercy. He put that difficult period before me because he wanted me to grow to come close to him.
26:47
And look at the end of their consequences, both positive and negative consequences to whatever we do in life. And I think we have to take that with us, but really, I think it was a way for me to to correct my wrongs and to bring me closer to him and he did, you know, the scars of some relationships require us ultimately to seek help and that's help from God and also seeking help externally.
27:12
You know, I went and got therapy and I think it was one of the best things that I did because it brought a lot of clarity for me in terms of what was really going on. And part of it, was this idea of fear of the unknown.
27:31
When I prayed, I always kept up with my prayers especially during those difficult time periods. I'll say this when I pray during those difficult time periods, it was one of the most sincere and heartfelt prayers. I did on a daily basis. I felt weak. I felt sad. I felt alone a lot of times but in prayer in my relationship with God, I realize that everything really is temporary in life.
28:05
And when I prayed, I don't pray for her to come back. I just prayed for the period to become easier and for God to replace what I lost with something better.
28:23
You know, I didn't pray for that person to come back because sometimes when we pray for things for things that we want, We don't know what is good for us. Maybe something is good for us but we think it's bad or maybe something is bad for us, but we think it's good and we pray for it.
28:38
What I ultimately prayed for was for the period to be made easier for me. And for the person that was meant to come into my life to come, and that's what God did that, the vine intervention. I was at a crossroads in my life where, you know, wasn't really the happiest period happiest period of my life.
29:02
I would always put on a face and change my perspective to show others. Hey, I'm doing. All right, I'm doing well and it took some time but I think ultimately what happened was I was at that intersection of my life and also I was at the intersection of her life because she was going through us a similar journey and her story that's to share.
29:26
But we were, ultimately came at that intersection where God allowed me to define to have that person come. But first, I took the first five months that just really try to figure things out. And then I remember and I love sharing the story of me and my wife when we met.
29:48
It's a story that always brings a smile to my face. It's a story. I love sharing with my kids but also ultimately what happened? And I'll share more of this. And in part two was, I had this one friend and she's Middle Eastern. And She said, remember, why? Why don't you why aren't you ever involved with with Middle Eastern?
30:12
It's like you're afraid of them. I told her, I was like, well, she's Middle Eastern too. I told her I was like, well I don't know where to find them. I was also going through a lot of identity issues, you know, growing up in America as someone who didn't really know my home, my country Afghanistan, my country, of course, is this is the US I've grown up in been raised here but I also technically wasn't consider it American, at least I didn't feel it.
30:40
And so I was there was a lot of identity issues going on with me at that point in time And throughout my life. And ultimately at the end of the day, when when people ask me to identify myself, I identify myself as a Muslim American ultimately Muslim at the very forefront that is who I identify myself with.
31:02
But I told her, I was like, hey, I just I don't know where to find them. Where are these people? And she said, hey I want to invite you to this girl's birthday come out and meet her. Of course, at that point I was being my, my little shallow self.
31:16
And I said, well, can you send me a picture of what she looks like? No, shame in my game. I'll just put it that way and when you send me the picture, I was just flabbergasted and taken aback, because I was like, man, this girl is out of my league.
31:31
There's there's no way but that's like, yeah, I'll I'll come along to the birthday party. And, you know, Again, I'll share more this in part two, but Sheena, we only talk five minutes that night only five minutes that night. And after that I didn't think that we would talk again or we would see each other But we only talk, five minutes.
32:02
I thought you know she was stunning. Still is I think and I always joke with her that she's a mature woman now but martial law, she's grown a much more beautiful. She was beautiful. Then that I think as a as a wife and a mom, she's just amazing inside.
32:19
Now, I'm really glad I'll handle a lot to call her my, my other half for however, long God allows it because I do believe in the idea of temporaryness at the end, we all die. But ultimately, we did meet, I did go to her birthday and I'll share more about it in and part two.