00:00
Welcome to season three of unworley. For those of you who have been listening to the other seasons, you may know that each season. I try to come up with a different topic unique topic. And the way that i let these topics, come is exactly that. I let them come to me.
00:20
Through either often when i'm at the gym and i'm thinking about something or something's Inside of me just keeps building and building or with this current one, it was more due to a response that i had received. At the time of this recording. The school system where we live has already started.
00:38
So Uh, three out of my four kids is in fact, in school, right now? And, This conversation itself has started with a post that i had done not to long ago about A conversation that i had with my son. And my son right now. He's 10 years old. Uh and he's at that age where these types when i'm calling season three critical conversations with your kids is important.
01:05
But the fact of the matter is that i didn't just begin the conversation. At this particular point in time, ie that, he's 10 years old, it's been a series of conversations that i've had with him. And also with the siblings who are younger than him, And so for this introduction, i thought that it would make sense.
01:26
That by introducing the topic and the critical conversations that I had recently, but i've had with them. Has relate to. It really important things. Especially me being from a muslim background. A faith background tying in aspects of our dean to conversation surrounding alcohol. Opioids marijuana. Other pharmaceutical drugs, cigarette smoking, even sex.
01:59
Going into middle school, high school. The periods were a lot of these things. Often will happen but we can't be naive and we can't be too. Um, nearsighted that we lose sight of the fact that we were once Their age. A lot of you who are listening to this are Gen z millennials.
02:19
People who either have kids or are going to expect to have kids. Or maybe just Be an area of interest but we can't be naive of the fact that we were in their position. And even though, yes, times to change technology changes. A lot of the core aspects of what our children are going to face or the same things that we are ourselves.
02:40
Have faced. So, this introduction topic, Uh, i wanted to just talk about some Overarching themes when we are having these critical conversations with our kids. In, especially for me, it's always been keeping junia this world within our dean within our religion. Okay, so it's not necessarily how can our religion fit into the world, but how can the world fit into the aspects?
03:10
Of our religion and navigating from that standpoint. One of the first important things is that you have to understand. This is not a one size, fits all Each. Parent. Each parent figure knows his or her own child or child figure. And so the things that i talk about it has worked for me, may not for you and it's going to change based upon your children's age maturity level.
03:36
Sex me a male or female. Uh, it's going to vary on a lot of those things so it's not a one size fits all by any means. In the conversation. Itself is not a one conversation. There are series of conversations, they're continuing conversations conversations that Start from hopefully and early age, but we'll continue into the Pre adolescent periods, the adolescent periods, and also, Into the, you know, post adolescent even in their 20s, look at the end, they want your parent, you're going to be a parent.
04:18
Until your last breath and you're going to try to be an advisor and guidance. And i will also carry out this, this is a lawyer side of me by. And by no means i mind expert in last psychologist. I'm not a doctor in this field. Look at the end of the day.
04:31
I am a parent myself. As a lawyer, i do look at things from the angle of how can we protect our children? From a legal standpoint when they are in situations that they need it. I'm a parent myself. Um, so i say Conversations need to happen. In the conversations need to change from.
04:53
Parent to a friend perhaps back to a parent. So it's not always that you're going to be looking at it that, hey, i'm talking to you to my child as a dad or as a mom or one of those figures. Uh, you often have to change it in the sense that you're also coming in as a friend.
05:10
If you're expecting that you're always going to be talking to them as a parent and you're always giving rules and you're always giving boundaries, which was good children do need boundaries, they do need rules. But also being able to move within those freely And then you you tell them well don't do drugs.
05:27
Don't drink alcohol. Or don't do x y and z. They're not gonna care. They may a little bit but they're not going to care. They're most likely going to listen to their friends and so for me it's always been a balancing act. When do i talk to them as a friend?
05:40
And when do i talk to them as a parent? In in that itself goes to with the idea that you need to give them enough to be able to digest. So if they're younger, they're not going to be mature enough to be able to have more in-depth conversations in my viewpoint since i have been trained as a lawyer.
05:58
And i do think as a lawyer, i look at things from a very logistical standpoint from analytical standpoint. As far as what the series of events or conversations should Take place, but i know for a fact, my children don't think that way. You know, my son. I feel like he's Being trained like a lawyer because of the way that i think, but also know that his maturity level is different from mine is different from my daughters, who are much younger than him.
06:23
And so, when i have these conversations, i give enough to be able to allow them to digest it. To be able to ask questions and also taking into Um, Account where there are at a maturity standpoint and that goes from the very first one, there's no one size, fits all Ultimately, these are a series of relationship building exercises just like with your partner.
06:47
If you're, if you're married with your spouse with your parents, which your children with your friends, with your co-workers over time, it's a series of relationship building And the ultimate end goal is trust. Can you trust your children? And alternatively. And more importantly, can your children trust you? That they can come to speak to you when it counts.
07:11
There are going to be plenty of those times. And if they're too afraid to come to speak to us as their children, you know, as their parents. Then they're going to go speak with somebody else or they may not speak with anybody and not be able to seek counsel or guidance.
07:27
So, we have to let them know that regardless of what happens. They need to be able to speak with us without fear of punishment. Of course, everything has consequences. And i i i'm sure to let my kids know, actions, have consequences, whether it's with your parents, teachers, friends, wherever you are in life, there will be consequences and just like with my own faith.
07:47
Even though my relationship and view of god has turned into a different viewpoint where i do see goddess all loving. Merciful. Uh, he wants the best for us. We're also told, it's not like he's hiding the ball in the Quran, that there is a reward and punishment to it.
08:05
Things there are consequences but you have the choice to be able to make it. I'm not too big on reward and punishment for for children, but i realize that that is a paradigm that ultimately It works. I know people have different viewpoints about getting things done but this is just something that has worked and even though i try to get away from it, sometimes ways revert back to it.
08:29
But ultimately it's a series of building trust. And one of the things that, My wife and i at while back we were talking about parenting and then over a series of events. We said that I think this was something that she had read. Herself. But we gave my son a card that basically says and it's not verbatim but the card is to be given to a parent at a point in time where something maybe catastrophic something Has happened where they're in trouble, maybe not be catastrophic.
09:01
But for there at their age, it might be And they give you the card and it says, look, i'm in trouble. I need help. And you promise you, we're not going to judge me. And again, it's not verbatim. I have to see what the card said. But the card is basically a get out of jail free card, where they give it to you as a parent and it triggers in the parent that.
09:20
Hey, yes, i did. Give this to them. Let me just care them out. See, what's going on rather than getting into the well, you're in trouble, you're grounded or whatever. The case may be. Again, we're trying to build trust with our children so that they can ultimately come speak to us especially at the moments of time that it does count.
09:37
And you have to understand as parents, even though we are here to advise, we are here to act more as guides than anything else. We should also realize that idea another day. We should play with our children. We should have fun with them. We should. It shouldn't always be a lecture or let me teach you a lesson.
09:56
Um, or anything like that. And again, look, i'm not telling you how to parent. I'm just telling you that the things that I wish i had when i was growing up into things that i'm trying to implement with our kids and Asia as well. It's more of. Hey, yes i am here to guide you.
10:14
I am here to give you counsel but I'm also here to play with you. I'm also here to have fun with you. I'm also here to be on this journey with you so that i can grow with you and myself grow and look as much as we think that our kids are going to learn from us.
10:28
We learn a lot from our children so How can you expect them to listen to you later if you aren't doing it? Now, if you aren't making time for them now and i understand not to do a I do understand that we do have busy lives, busy schedules, but at the end of the day that shouldn't take away from our kids and making time for our kids and i've made certain life changes like choices to be able to give more time.
10:54
Give me more time with my kids, not saying that everybody has to do that or can do that. But by the grace of uh, by god and planning, i was able to But ultimate came down to how much time and i'm able to make for them and we have to all have 24 hours in a day.
11:10
We can make some time for our kids to just have fun with them play with them and build. On that. Relationship building. So, the way to approach these conversations, just kind of seguing into the next episode. First, start with them early. And when we start with them early, it's more related to safety.
11:31
So, for example, there was a big, opioid, scare and kids were in schools were being given smarties that were in fact, fentanyl, And these kids were overdosing. So, the first conversation that i had was from a standpoint of, i'm a parent. I care about your safety. And if you do get candy from your friends or from anyone, you have to give it to us as the parents first To be able to look at it, even for those who do trick-or-treating.
11:57
We don't let any of our kids eat any of the candy until we have inspected it. Fortunately there are sick people out there, so more the conversations approach from a standpoint of safety at the very beginning and then it evolves into the more Logical conversations, i would say. If you have multiple kids, it may be better to have some conversations together and some of them Alone.
12:22
The last conversation i had with my son, it was just me and him and it took a more in depth conversation as far as where one more so than i could have had of my daughters were there because they may not have fully understood the extent of our conversation.
12:36
And when you're having these conversations, what i found is. That it helps to do something while you're having conversation now. Don't mean. Multitasking. I'm not saying being in the middle of your work and then having these conversations, Go for a walk. Go for a drive, my son and i we we went out to run some errands and then we ended up getting some food and uh, just having a conversation.
12:59
And it was fruitful because It was. Us giving each other.